I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
