You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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