My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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