When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
