I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
