it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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