So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
