you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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