Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
