That's when you crack a 10am beer
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
