keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
