Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
