i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
