you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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