if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
