Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
