thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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