Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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