Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
