he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We had to coat check the pizza.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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