So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
