Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
