And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
