Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
