His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
