Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
