He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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