I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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