dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
