I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
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Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
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Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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