I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
