She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
