I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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