So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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