Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
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your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
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This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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