i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
