...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
