We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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