i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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