i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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