Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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