If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This toilet bowl is my home.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
