I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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