Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
