One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
