Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
