did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
