i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
