We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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