Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
