My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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