a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
