Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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