rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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