then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
