Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
