I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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