Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Acid is not a monday night drug
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
