i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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