highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
