Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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