My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
