life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
